Closer to over

Death… honestly, it’s not the worst thing ever. The worst thing is feeling like life doesn’t matter anymore. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you push yourself, you feel like you are going straight into a hole. A lot of pain, a lot of feelings, a lot of frustration, and I don’t know how to explain them, how to deal with them, how to handle them. I don’t know how I am going to overcome them, and I feel weaker every day. I’m not broken, honestly; I’m already in multiple pieces, and there’s no way I can rebuild myself. Every night is like a war, and I’m scared. I don’t want to close my eyes because I feel like either I’ll have nightmares or I won’t make it. A lot of pressure, and they keep judging me. How the fuck can I do better? I’m already trying my best. Life is not easy, but mine is like hell. Do you have any idea how hard it is to never be allowed to fail, mess up, or show weakness? I can’t be weak, or at least I don’t want to expose it. Heartburn, violent headache, anger issues, muscle aches, no appetite, and no sleep whatsoever… It’s not fatigue; I know what it is. I already know those symptoms. I feel like I’m dying inside, like something is eating me up. I don’t know how to say it, but I’m comfortable with it. Comfortable with the pain, comfortable with those feelings. Family doesn’t bring you peace, friends don’t get you. No one can do shit for you. If I pass away, they won’t notice it until they need me. Fair enough though, I was never really worth it. You can mask your face with a fake smile, but you cannot hide your heart with a false feeling. Every time I let someone be close to me, I become vulnerable. I give them the power to destroy me, to hurt me. So I prefer to stay alone. But until when? It’s not a text, just a little scream because I was about to strangle. Let’s move on…


                                    Himy 🖤🥀

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